The lore

You are THE HODLER

Every block, the chain spits out more sats — and someone always wants them gone. You play THE HODLER: push the ledger blocks, sweep up every last sat on the board, and never, ever sell. Diamond hands are not a meme here. They are the controls.

Standing between you and a clean stack are three enemies of sound money. Beat them and you climb the global leaderboard. Touch one and your run ends — and they would love that.

The enemies of sound money

• DEAD REGULATION — "Madame Regulation"

  The undead bureaucracy that wants to seize, ban, and CBDC your coins. She strangles every block in red tape and freezes wallets by decree — convinced your stack belongs to the committee. Innovation denied; see form 27-B.

• THE GOLDBUG — "Baron de Bullschiff"

  The gold-hoarding boomer aristocrat who has called the top since block 1. "Real money shines!" — wrong every cycle, forever. Hurls bullion bars, never updates the thesis, monocle firmly on.

• THE SHITCOINER — "Shilly McFork"

  The serial shitcoiner with no real use-case: endless roadmaps, infinite premines, zero sound money. He will fork anything that moves and shill the next 1000x — straight into a rug.

The mission

Bitcoinia exists to gamify Bitcoin — to make low-time-preference, do-your-own-research, stack-and-hold feel like the best arcade cabinet in the room. No lectures, no shilling, no price talk. Just a tight puzzle game that quietly teaches you to think a few moves ahead, stack what matters, and dunk on fiat along the way.

It is funny on purpose and welcoming on purpose. Orange-pilled veterans get the jokes; newcomers just get a great little game — and maybe leave knowing why a sat is worth keeping.

1992: a puzzle classic

Decades ago, a small block-pushing puzzle game called Banania asked players to think a few moves ahead: shove crates, clear the board, do it in as few moves as possible. Simple rules, deep strategy — the kind of game you replay "just one more time." Bitcoinia is that timeless puzzle, re-skinned for the orange pill — read the Banania story.

Credit where it's due

Bitcoinia stands on the shoulders of the original Banania and its author. This is a loving homage — the mechanics are a tribute, the orange is ours. The characters are satire — fictional parodies of archetypes (the regulator, the goldbug, the shitcoiner), not real people. Bitcoinia is a free game and a parody — not financial advice.